Brothers in Arms: Class of '88
Some situations shine an especially bright spotlight on the remarkable nature of the Georgian bond. The story of Jonathan Hames ’88, who died on November 6, 2013, after a year-long struggle with esophageal cancer, does just that.
The memorial service was held in the RSGC Chapel the night before the Old Boys’ Dinner, when the Class of 1988 would celebrate its 25th reunion. With a third of the class in attendance, Tim Logan and Pav Jordan eloquently expressed what everyone was thinking: Jonathan was warm, compassionate, thoughtful, strong and a true friend who would be missed.
From early November the previous year, Tim and Pav, along with Stuart Hatcher, Adrian Dafoe, their spouses and a few close friends of Jonathan’s, had formed a circle of love and support that Headmaster Stephen Beatty ’86 called “a remarkable example of pietate”.
“Long before he was diagnosed, we knew how important family was to him,” recalled Stuart. “Both of his parents were gone and he was rarely in contact with his brother, so he spent weekends and holidays with us. When he got sick, it was natural for us all to start taking care of him. ”
Stuart’s wife Stefanie adds that the Georgians were like brothers.
“They are all very different and they would knock heads sometimes, but they always circled back and worked it out,” she said. “They are all so unbelievably loyal to one another. So when one of them was down, they all rallied and the rest of us became part of the Georgian circle.”
From the very beginning, the supporters were a constant presence, attending to Jonathan’s every need: his symptoms, many tests, diagnosis of cancer and treatment options.
“As the situation grew more dire, Jonathan said to us, ‘I just want my friends around’,” said Adrian. “That’s all he wanted – to feel a sense of community. So that became our focus. It was one of the reasons we worked with the College to arrange a special section for our class at the Service of Lessons and Carols in December 2012.”
Early on, the group also connected Jonathan to his network of friends through a Caring Bridge blog that Stefanie helped him set up. As his poet and press secretary, she kept everyone updated about his progress and reached out when he needed a ride to treatments in Toronto. She also shared messages from Jonathan, such as his request that everyone engage in random acts of kindness in his honour. When the blog wrapped up, there were 453 guest entries, and the postings from Jonathan/Stefanie alone took up 44 printed pages.
Early on, the group also connected Jonathan to his network of friends through a Caring Bridge blog that Stefanie helped him set up. As his poet and press secretary, she kept everyone updated about his progress and reached out when he needed a ride to treatments in Toronto. She also shared messages from Jonathan, such as his request that everyone engage in random acts of kindness in his honour. When the blog wrapped up, there were 453 guest entries, and the postings from Jonathan/Stefanie alone took up 44 printed pages.
As the year progressed, the core group continued to take Jonathan to appointments, have him at their homes and cottages or just hang out. There were also unique moments, such as when Pav took a week off to fly with Jonathan to the Deepak Chopra Center in California. Or when Jonathan’s close friends Tracy Mullin and Kim Tully began taking turns staying with him at his house.
“By fall, it was clear that he wasn’t going to recover,” recalled Stuart. “That’s when even more Georgians and friends gathered around Jon. Some flew across the country to see him in the hospital, even people he had not seen in 10 or 20 years.”
The visits continued after Jonathan was admitted to the ICU at Lakeridge Hospital in Oshawa ten days before his death, including from former RSGC Chaplin Father Michael Burgess, Headmaster Stephen Beatty and Jonathan’s brother, David. The nurses said they had never seen so many visitors, and the hospital had to alter its visiting rules to accommodate everyone.
As Jonathan’s condition worsened, he was unable to breathe on his own and was in constant agony. Unsure how much time he had, the core group arranged to be there as much as possible, many of them travelling back and forth from Toronto daily.
As with any group of close friends, there were light moments mixed in with the sadness, such as when Jonathan suddenly realized he had not said goodbye to his beloved cats. The team sprang into action.
“The hospital wouldn’t let the cats visit because they had not been inoculated,” said Adrian. “I stood at the nurse’s station and thought, seriously? They need medical attention? So Kim and I picked up the two cats – one of whom wasn’t very friendly at all – and went in search of an emergency vet. We drove all the way to a clinic at Yonge and Sheppard before realizing it was too busy. Then we drove back to Whitby, where a vet agreed to see us at 10:00 pm. We had to say, ‘it’s not for the animals, it’s for their owner – it’s a unique situation.’ Then we reunited Jonathan with the cats for a snuggle in bed.”
Jonathan had given medical decision-making authority to Pav and Tim, and they actively worked with him as his situation worsened. With support from the hospital ethics advisor, they helped him through the process of making a decision.
“He never gave up hope,” said Stefanie. “He never once believed that this was his exit ramp, despite all the bells and whistles and tubes and machines. But he eventually came to peace and said ‘I can’t live like this’.”
On the night of November 6, the group gathered around him to bring his suffering to an end.
“There were five of us with our hands on him when the life support was turned off,” said Stuart. “He went from looking 90 years old to smiling, as this unbelievable look of peace and contentment spread across his face. I think it was comforting for him to be surrounded by us. He died knowing he was loved.”
Looking back on the experience, the group’s main sentiment is one of gratitude – for knowing Jonathan and being drawn together. And for the Georgians in the group, there is also a sense that what unfolded was a natural extension of what they learned at the College.
“We didn’t think twice about these kindnesses because these lessons were part of school life,” said Adrian. “Kindness is the rent you pay to live on this earth. You have seen each other at your most vulnerable. You have grown up together. It was just easy.”
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Royal St. George's College is an independent school for boys located in The Annex neighbourhood of Toronto, Ontario, Canada. The school admits boys from Grades 3 through 12. Our mission is to challenge and inspire each of our students to become the best version of himself.